Faded Glory

Good Bye 2011

2011-12-31T06:15:00.000-08:00

Human beings are innanely funny creatures. And we measure things stupidly. Time is boundary-less, limitless and forever. It doesnt blow trumpets and whistles to mark beginnings and endings. There are no bells that toll to signify a great event. Yet we are obsessed.

Obsessed with marking everything as a beginning or an ending. We came up with the idea of calenders. Celebrate the end of weeks, seasons and years. Time's too busy ticking to even wait for a split second and take notice. It's too busy influencing our lives while we choose to take time out and label his passing.

So this year end - I choose to just be. Just be in the stillness and calmness of being.

From my heart to yours - wherever you are reading this - content, cozy, tired, happy, excited, lonely, charged-up, delighted - See you in 2012.

Happily yours
Faded Glory

What I've learnt this year..

2011-12-15T05:00:00.000-08:00

Friendship needs a lot of hard work. Some friends are better to lose, some need to be cherished and some people are effortlessly friends. And yet just when you are disappointed, there are other relationships that will surprise you that is if you allow yourself to be surprised.

Sometimes the only way out of a situation is through it. Chocolate and Ice Cream help tremendously whenever you feel you've been reduced to rubble. I have a choice and a responsibility. The power is with me, and when you turn the switch towards forgiveness to those who hurt you, power is restored back to you.

2011, You rocked my world. But since all things must come to an end. I am ready for the world to change again. In 365 ways. A day at a time. Life will go on :)

Wisely yours
Faded Glory

Beech ka Bicchu

2011-12-08T04:59:00.000-08:00

Some childhood games are strikingly relevant even when you grow up. Seem to be caught in a time warp. People who are even five years elder or younger, it seems like a generation gap.

People like me that are part of Gen X are sandwiched between the Gen Y and the Gen Z. Not too individualistic and wild like the younger ones and not submissive and not conforming enough like the older folks.

Confusion, chaos and calamity galore. The middle path aint easy!

Reflecting'ly yours
Faded Glory

Weapons of Self-Destruction

2011-12-01T01:49:00.000-08:00

Looking back at 29 years of my life, I realized today, I have mastered the art of self-destruction! I dont need tools, ammunition or any instruments. I alone suffice and break myself and then break everything around me to self preserve only to realize later it has caused me irreversible damage. I seem to be stepping on my own invisible tail and then cringe in pain. Self-defeating the purpose. And that is becoming a pattern I want to break free from.

I hope Im able to rise like the phoenix from the ashes.

Mind Machine

2011-11-25T06:22:00.000-08:00

Never understood my mind. It been one hellova thought processor - mixing up feelings, juicing up what I wish for and grinding my hopes.

I hope with all that mixing, juicing and grinding - It dishes out something worthwhile and positive that gives me direction, faith and peace.

How do you feel tonight?

2011-11-10T22:34:00.000-08:00

A post from a friends Facebook page:
The UN says the world's populations hits 7 billion today. It's amazing how it's still so hard to meet anyone worth dating.

Wondering why its so hard, when there are billions of people who are the kinds that would pass on your checklist. Yes, there are many who seemingly would fit your bill. We want them to be a certain way and they are. They are well educated, earn well, look good. Externally everything matches. BUT!

I guess the most important thing missing is how we feel, well atleast for me. You dont need him/her 'to be' anything. Internally, one needs to feel a certain way with a person. That feeling is enough and will be enough for me to be happy. Everything else gets masked.

Happily yours
Faded Glory

To think or not

2011-11-06T22:13:00.000-08:00

Looking back at life, Ive learnt that we land up in a problem only when either

We act without thinking..
OR
We keep thinking without acting..

Accept Except

2011-11-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

I have always been a people person, open and easy to get along with. A friendly 'Hi' and some small talk and some coversations later - the person for me is no longer a stranger or an aquaintance. And that has always come naturally to me. In the process have come to know many people and a lot of them more closely. Each got connected in a different way. I believed in accepting people for what they are. I believed they are what they are by chance and not choice.

My belief system is shaky right now. These days people repel me.People are making me sick. People who wont lend a helping hand. People who are self centred. People who are uncurteous. People who have misplaced heads. People with ego. People with unnecessary airs. People who dont value relationships. People who dont respect. People who cant appreciate. People who only criticise. People who are judgemental. People who are crude and rude. People who are insensitive. People who dont pay heed to your words. People who are superficial. People who dont value people. These are choices people make conciously or subconciously.

I guess about time I make my choice - What to accept and What to not!

Accepting'ly yours
Faded Glory

Tum Ho

2011-10-31T03:55:00.000-07:00

What a killer song from Rockstar.

Tum Ho..Tum Ho Paas Mere..Saath Mere
Tum yoon
Jitna Mehsoos Karoon tumko
Utna Hi Paa Bhi Loon

Twitching pain. Painful Longing. Lacerating torment.

How many times..

2011-10-30T02:37:00.000-07:00

...is it possible for the heart to be broken by the same person. So much so, that you think there is nothing left to break and thats its at rock bottom, but you'l be surprised - the heart breaks again and there is further more bottom to the rockbottom.

They said - it gets easier with time. They said - it gets better with time. I hope they are right. Will bide my time till then.

Hopefully your's
Faded Glory

Nothing else matters

2011-10-28T06:20:00.001-07:00

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart

Its your birthday. My heart and head are at its nostalgic best. Its the strength of the feelings that I am succumbing to. All I can think of is you. I am lost in the maze of - should have, could have, would have, couldnt have, shouldnt have, wouldnt have - and that is occupying all the space in my head.

But nothing else matters! You, Have a happy birthday!

Hide & Seek

2011-10-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

You may run very far to the end of the world, you may hide in the darkest corner, you may change contact numbers, emails, cities, countries still thoughts can penetrate even where the light cant. That I know.

Bad days end, bad times end but what remains till eternity are the looks that assured you, touch that invigorates you, smiles that brighten the heart. These you cannot wipe out from the slate of your mind - no matter hard you try.

Then why do you fight it? Why cant you accept it? Why cant you let it be?

Questioning'ly yours
Faded Glory

Aaina..

2011-10-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

..mujhse meri pahli si soorat maange...waqt likhta raha chehre pe har pal ka hisaab..

Dark circles under the eyes, the once perfectly fitted denims hanging loose. Being a telling tale aint good. What a terrible year it has been so far, right from start to midyear, wont settle for a bad ending at all. Enough of bad for 2011. I'm going to turn the tables around!

This last leg of the year, I am going to fight back and bounce back. Cant let anything get the better of my health anymore. Need to start taking care of myself, need to start eating well and sleeping well.

And that I will do!

Positive'ly yours
Faded Glory

Dil-logical

2011-10-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

"Have the courage to follow ur heart..It already knows what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Listened to Steve Job's Stanford speech for the nth time and everytime I hear it - it moves me even more. It gives me goosebumps, a chill runs down my spine. I guess he died a happy man - having followed his heart all his life.

Following your heart isnt as easy as it sounds. It often leads to you being alone or mocked at. The mind simply plays games and confuses the heart. Feelings come from the heart, and feeling and being happy has nothing to do with a rational and logical mind. The mind knows little of it. Its evil, it plots, plans and is devilish.

If you hear the voice of the heart nudging you to do something that might not necessarily be within your comfort zone, go for it anyway. You never know if you will succeed at something unless you just take the plunge and try it anyway.

I hope I find the the power within myself to accomplish whatever my heart desires. Till then - its free flowing and following the heart, sooner or later Il get there.

Dil-logically yours
Faded Glory

Back from Outer Space

2011-09-18T06:39:00.000-07:00

Seasons have changed
Months gone by
Life's re-arranged
With challenges to defy

Building life back
Brick by brick
Getting on track
Hasnt been quick

Stronger than before
Leaving things behind
Swimming for the shore
Have my peace of mind

Climbing up the rope
I do see the top
Raising up hope
Life isnt a fullstop

Upright on my feet
And a long road ahead
The journey is incomplete
But I am clear in my head

TsunaMe

2011-09-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

Tsunami is what had struck me or more aptly it was a Tsuna-Me. Like all natural calamities - this one also came unannounced without notice.

Sometimes in life, We are right in the path of a tsunami waiting for us to be lashed away with the force and are left stranded in a no-mans land, you begin to wonder where the hell did that wave come from. But then thats life - it will bite you where it hurts most and when you least expect it.

It will leave you soaked to the skin, making you dissolve and melt in it like a salt pellet that it seems you would cease to exist. It leaves you with no choice to run away or hide under or take shelter or cling to. You just stand in sheer despair and shock. But who said, life is fair.

After the fit of fury, With the remains of what is left behind when the wave recedes back to the once calm ocean, all there is left is hope. A hope for calmness, for things to be alright, for you to be fine. And sometimes hope is all you have.

The tenacious crab that I am - I am holding onto that hope and not letting go.

Hopefully yours
Faded Glory

Hello Dolly

2011-03-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

Some had the pampering of their grandmothers, some had the laps of their mom's, some sucked quietly onto their thumbs, For my sense of security as a child, I had a Barbie. And I still have the doll. She ate with me, slept with me, played with me and I dragged her everywhere by her hair. I felt safe by taking her along.

It's not incredible - people attach meaning to inanimate objects - dolls, watches, mufflers, a dried flower - though just another thing to most - it can be the blanket of security that gives a sense of belonging to a few - including me.

Then I grew up and clinged to people and things closest to my heart. When people my age were moving on, leaving their homes, cities even countries to study or to work – I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think to move. I still cant. And that need for security has forever been burning in me, in its powerful and protective yet different forms. We downplay our deepest need to be valued and cherished that makes us vulnerable yet so strong.

Home-ly yours
Faded Glory

Ekla Chalo Re

2011-03-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

Thats all one can do at times.

With my dearest friends now settled and busy in their lives - professionally with good jobs and personally with spouses and children; in different parts of the world you can hardly complain when you hardly have time to talk even otherwise.

When times and people move with time and you refuse to move along, you are left behind. You look at the back, there's no one. You look to the left and right - still no one. Its Ekla Chalo Re time. And I will have to walk alone.

Lots of catching up to do. Literally and Figuratively.

Reflecting-ly yours
Faded Glory

41Y 41D

2011-03-01T07:27:00.000-08:00

I always believed I have a lot of patience. But I was wrong. It was dad's superannuation today and he retired from the same office after 41 years and 41 days!! Phew!!

Wonder how many bad bosses, office politics, bad appraisals, failures and stressful times he endured and yet kept going! Its easy to quit and difficult to brave it all.

Lots to learn for the eternally dissatisfied job hopping generation of ours!

Respectfully yours
Faded Glory

Inky Pinky Ponki

2011-02-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

Its not just a counting out game children play. It indeed is an important way to figure out who you want to have as the last man standing. For some you will always be the choice and for some you will always be just an option.

The hard fact remains - Never make someone a priority if you are just an option for them. Just take a good look at your friends, family, co workers and significant others. There is no excuse for poor behaviour of people; just dont accept anything less than you deserve and weed out the rest!

Do things for people who in turn will do things for you! Give up things for people who will in turn give up things for you! Have people around you who in turn want to have you around!

Dont worry about the rest as they will have another option nearby.

Pondering-ly Yours
Faded Glory

Untitled

2011-02-11T00:18:00.000-08:00

Thoughts that are frightening
Strike like lightening
That I am stuck
And out of luck

For what its worth
Life, Death and Birth
Act, Think, Live Now
yet life fails, and How

Someday Il learn
To play a good turn
Till then I wont quit
Reaching there bit by bit

The X Factor

2011-02-08T06:43:00.000-08:00

The simplest reaons why the 'EX' is called an 'EX' is coz its an 'EX'ample of who you should not be with in any way and 'EX' as in she/he having an 'EX'it from your life. If its a thing of the past - past is where it should stay!

But then as life shall have it - its never as simple! All people are left with as a result of mixing up the past with the present is complications to deal with.

Food for thought

2011-02-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

I want to.
I should.
I have to.
I ought to.
I could.
And yet, I cant....give up eating junk!

A walk to remember

2011-01-12T07:06:00.000-08:00

Its just not a bloody movie! Its a movie that made me cry! Had my own little 'A Walk to Remember. 3 hours. On Foot. From Dhaula Kuan to Home.

With tired feet, a dead brain, cold hands, heavy shoulders and a small little heart that has little hope for myself, I said to myself a million times over - I will never be understood and accepted.

Wait Watching

2011-01-01T07:22:00.000-08:00

We play a endless waiting game – life and me. Life waits for me to turn into the person it wills for me to be. I wait for it to turn into what I expect out of it. Some days life wins. Some days I win.

And in all the days that lie in between, there’s just the endless waiting.

Sigh-ingly yours
Faded Glory

Come Undone!

2010-12-29T09:35:00.000-08:00

I can feel my heart
And it's fit to burst
I try to clean it up
But I just get worse

With the sun setting on 2010, my head is bombarded with a million thoughts. Its like a perfect ending - a weekend, a month end and a year end. Sometimes just one small thing ruins it all. Sometimes just one thing makes it worthwhile. I ve got the former all year through like little packets bursting to wake me up from the dream where everything is fine. What a waste sometimes it can be to weave something! As perfect it may seem - Just pull one string and it comes undone.

Foolish-ly yours
Faded Glory

Good, Bad, Ugly

2010-12-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

Of all the messiness internal to my head and the heart for the last 3-4 days, it spilled onto the outside too. Sometimes they say the exterior is a reflection of whats on the inside.

- Wore the same clothes for the 2nd consecutive today. Shabby Me :D
- Went to work without taking a bath. Filthy Me :D
- Wore the tee and the sweater inside out. Stupid Me :D
- Forgot my work laptop at home. Foolish Me :D
- Locked out my own account by entering a wrong password 3 times. Idiotic Me :D
- Wore no earrings or kajal or combing my hair. Ugly me :D
- Told all the above to almost everyone. Funny Me :D

Of everything that happens and bogs me down, thank god for small mercies that I can still laugh at the silliness of things than let the drama rule my life.

Smiling-ly yours
Faded Glory

Physical Attraction?

2010-12-04T00:58:00.000-08:00

What does physical attractiveness mean to you?

1) Physical Attraction EQUALS Sexual Attraction
2) Physical Attraction DOES NOT EQUAL Sexual Attraction
3) Is the meaning different depending on whether you're male or female

Post with what you think and what your gender is!

Questioning-ly yours
Faded Glory

Erase & Rewind

2010-12-01T08:16:00.000-08:00

November went by so fast without even making a swooshing sound. With the privelege of it among the last few months of the year, November makes a special case this year. Total crazy-silliness, yet, personally satisfying and fulfilling in a way. Draining and exhaustive in another way. Having enjoyed and survived it all and totally loving the fact. December knocks at the door. Bring it on I'd say!!

Lost in Translation

2010-11-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

Seven in the morning
The sun isnt shining
I wake up with a sigh
I dont know why!

Snooze the alarm twice
Twist and turn thrice
Turned 28 from ten
I dont know when!

Cover up with a bedsheet
Curl up my tired feet
Mind runs like a crazy hare
I dont know where!

Rest my head on the pillow
Control the tears that flow
Feeling cold or hot
I dont know what!

Rub and Close my eyes
Wishing for clear blue skies
Will I ever be understood
I dont know who would!

Swing Vote

2010-11-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

All my life I have stayed in Delhi and loved it to the core. Everytime my friends from Banglore, Hyderabad, Chennai or Mumbai complained delhi was a horrible place, with bad people and no culture. I always supported and defended my place of birth. Today, I was let down. My vote has swinged today the other way. Delhi isnt all that great. I am too pissed with the people of delhi today.

The reason of my ire: 5 school kids on a speeding santro, crushed a rikshawala to death and they try to flee. Their so uneducated mom accuses me of trying to make a quick buck for standing up for the poor fellow who died on the road, because of her son, who had credit cards in his pocket but no DL. He had his chipped nail to show he was hurt too from the accident. Ofcourse I was angered and heated up, by her attitude and audacity, and to cool me down that lady offered to get me a cold drink. Disgusting! Absolutely No humility, No shame, No guilt, No civic responsibility!

I really wonder, do we really deserve to be in delhi, a world class city when we cant appreciate something as simple as human life. The people of delhi let me down today, very very badly!!

Free Falling

2010-10-21T01:17:00.000-07:00

Should I just ask
Instead of wearing a mask
That everything is alright
Not by a long sight

Should I just hangon
when conclusion seems foregone
somethings may change
the world looks so strange

Should I just forget
like a bad debt
what i'm trying to clutch
feelings that senses cant touch

What should I do
I wish I knew
No crystal ball
To tell me all

Let the church bells toll
Let the die roll
With sixth sense to guide me
Hope I wont be falling free!

I believe in...

2010-10-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

I believe in..
Choosing to be silent
Instead of finding a vent
Few care for your anger
For the rest - put it on a hanger

I believe in..
Struggling with my fear
Things go into reverse gear
Few care for that feeling
For the rest - put a cieling

I believe in..
Fighting out a quiet battle
The head may rattle
Few care for your absence
For the rest - put a fence

Nobody I Know

2010-10-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

While returning to home today; I met someone. Someone from school days, but not exactly a school mate. He was the only one standing there. I was the only one walking as well. He looked very different and I have grown up too since I last saw him as a school going kid. Even after seeing him after more than a decade it only took a fraction of a second to recognize him. And the same happened for him as well, when he saw me. If you look into someone's eyes you realize nothing has changed, though years would have gone by. As I approached where he stood, I did not know what to do. I was confused. I was happy to see him. And I was sad to see him at the same time.

He was a rickshaw puller. He used to ferry me at times to and fro to the bus stop. All his life he has been pulling a rickshaw and still does that. At the same place. Old, White hair, a little wasted. I decided not to take the rikshaw; I walked down to home out of respect for his age. Wanted to give him some money but that would be disrespect. So I stopped for a while and talked to him. His old age hadnt affected his memory one bit; he even remembered my name. Then I continued walking towards home.

I dont know what to call what I feel about it.

Do you have a word for it?

Point Blank

2010-09-26T01:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you dont know what you are feeling anymore coz you are numb. What is the point when you think its pointless. Is it the time you feel let down? Is it the time when you give up on yourself? or give up on someone else? Is it the time you feel like not reacting? Is it the time when you become indifferent?

I feel when you feel nothing, thats when there is no point. When you are no longer surprised at what is happening, but left with a few bursts of emotions and tears here and there, just at the way it's happening. When you don't want to get back but sit back. Watch how far and how low it's gonna go. How much farther the wheel will drag before you see it wobble. It's the time you withdraw and surrender, be a silent spectator knowing something is slipping and you cant do anything about it. When you don't love. When you don't hate. When you just shrug. When you care no more. Then its pointless.

Its like being in a cinema hall, when you notice for the first time how the red EXIT sign at the door is when the movie is about to end. When you wonder if it was always this red and you were too distracted by the movie to notice it. That's the point to get up and go because its pointless.

pointless-ly yours,
Faded Glory

Keep Walking

2010-09-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

All these years life has taught me by staring in my face. Whatever you want most, is always just two small steps away. It seems so close yet that little distance seems far. Yet, its always just at a arms distance, little ahead of you. Just a little away. You feel it's within reach, there it is, just two steps more and i'll be there, just a little push, a little stretch and i'll have it in my grasp. And by the time you finally get there or it lands in your grasp, either you no longer want it or you are not happy about reaching there or you have found something new to want which is again, just two steps away, always two steps away.

That's how you go on, that's how life goes on.

Sleepless in Seattle

2010-09-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
And emptiness above

Know that you arent alone
The whole world shares your tears
Some for two nights or one
And some for all their years

- Vikram Seth

Last Day

2010-07-27T08:08:00.000-07:00

Access Card Submit - Check
KT and Handover - Check
Exit Interview - Check
Drawer Items Packed - Check
Data Backup - Check
Goodbye Email - Check

The only items that remain unchecked are thoughts, feelings and emotions, particularly the unhappy ones.

Pass/Fail

2010-07-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

Now that it is official that I am leaving my workplace, a teammate walked upto me seeking details on where I was going, How did I get through, What questions I was asked at the interview. One of the many questions was - whats a Boundary Value Analysis test case? In short it tests at the edges for a pass or a fail. That makes me think, which is my favortite passtime in the world.

Two working days lie between me making the jump from A to B, literally a case of just crossing the road. As I move closer to the point and time where I have to make that transition and cross over I cant help but go over it a thousand times in my head.

How funny it is, a boundary, a fence, a seam can really put not just things but people to test too. Boundaries can make you farther or closer. Fences can fence you in or out. Seams either hold you together or pull you apart. You fail or you pass. But you would not be spared from the test!

Sigh-ingly yours
Faded Glory

Fate

2010-07-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

When I was three, I was care free
When I was five, I mimicked how dad would drive
When I was eight, I learnt to skate
When I was eleven, I thought school was heaven
When I was thirteen, I loved my blue denim jean
When I was sixteen, I hated routine
When I was eighteen, I saw the first PVR screen
When I was twenty-one, I deeply loved someone
When I was tewnty-four, I fell flat on the floor
When I was twenty-six, I became a skeptic
Today I am twenty-eight, I am looking to novate
At twenty-eight, I speculate and contemplate
Is this what is fate?

Think Pad

2010-07-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

When I think of you, I am happy.
AND
When I am happy, I think of you.

Toys 'R' Us

2010-07-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

Before the movie:
Me: I wanna see toy story 3...
K: Grow up! Thats for 5 year old kids!!!

At the movie:
K: ye kaisi movie le aai ho...dekho saare chote bacche hain
Me: to kya hua!

After the movie:
Me(thinking): Just because its animation doesnt mean its for kids. It is totally for adults. Its NOT just about toys. Its about life.

Did I like it? A lot! I laughed, chuckled, smiled all along the movie. No complexities. Simple and non tricky emotions. The movie tugs at your heart strings.

Sunnyside has nothing sunny and bright about it. Lotso turning bitter on being left behind, and dwelling on feelings of abandonment. Woody with his loyalty not giving up on his owner. Buzz feeling rejected and unwanted when he is out into trash. The sense of belongingness the toys had. Andy moving onto college, leaving prized possessions behind, letting go of his toys, giving away things he held so dear and close.

Isnt this what life is all about? Who says movies are far from real life. Just replace these toys characters with yourself or someone you know, toy story would seem like a familiar story - maybe mine or yours. You would definitely find yourself in those shoes.

This one nails the truth about life. The toys seemed larger than just animation. They reflected real people going through everything from growing up, growing apart, friendships, loyalty, sadness, letting go, giving away and heart break. It makes you go nostalgic and ponderous. The bitter sweet ending made my eyes well up. I guess a tear or two did trickle down. But such is the beauty of the movie, just like life. You cry some, you laugh some.

Toyish'ly yours
Faded Glory

Crossing the road

2010-06-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

I dislike change. And I hate it with a passion, but as they say, the only constant is change. So this week, I turned in my resignation, telling my boss that I no longer intend to work with them. Shock and Awe!

Thinking of new unknown and leaving the familiar behind, my stomach has been in a knot, I get clammy hands and feet from the anticipation of my leaving the comfortable set up I have been accustomed to for the last three years, but at the same time, I am happy about what you would conceive as a wise decision in this newly booming economy. Yet, afraid and anxious as I am, I'm also kinda sure that I will be okay.

Have been talking to myself, thinking over how this change could bring about other changes as well, and how I deal with them. I do not mean that I even knew how to articulate my anxiety, my state of uncertainty and inner turmoil. All I know is that part of me does not want to move but at the same time feelings of stagnancy prevail. The only thing I was certain of, is whatever road I will take, its not going to be easy. The decision to change is made - my last day with my present job is until the end of this month.

Counting my days now. Dont know what the day countdown is for - leaving the old or embracing the new!

28 on 24

2010-06-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

Someone once said, 'Growing old is not an option, Growing up is'. I turned 28 today. Figuratively,I feel grown up from what life has taught me the hard way and literally I have grown in size as well :( I have grown old inevitably by an year. Have a few strands of grey hair here and there. I'l take it as a sign of wisdom i.e. understanding of myself.

There's this little person inside me -
Who thinks that she is lucky to have great friends.
Who cries a lot.
Who lives without care.
Who is forever in her day dreams.
Who laughs at every funny and non funny thing
Who surprises herself by following the heart totally
Who loves malls and janpath equally.
Who thinks and analyses a lot.
Who is indecisive and finicky.
Who is wanting affirmation.
Who trusts people easily.

And then there is this sometimes crazy person inside me

Who is scared of being lonely.
Who falls in love several times with a song, a color, a bag.
Who doesnt find time to put nail paint but finds time to blog.
Who is mushy and moody. Mostly cynical.Sometimes whimsical. Majorly stupid.
Who is overly sensitive and totally protective about self.
Who loves to make plan A, plan B, plan C, plan D and so on.
Who is quite intense but then again doesnt show it outwardly.
Who is dying to get out of the shell but feels trapped.
Who is let down by people so many times.

Every second - I am learning to understand this person. Im reaching there, little by little. Year after year.

You can stand under my umbrella

2010-06-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

Let me share a secret.
I've carried it in my heart for a long time now. I'm scared to say this. Even more scared to think about it. I confessed to a few very friends of mine that I thought I needed to get away for a weekend, go to the mountains or sit by a beach, far from the maddening crowd and contemplate. Now believe me, trying to find a mountain or a beach when you live in a concrete jungle like delhi is far from easy.

Im more insecure and pessimistic than ever at this point of life. My craving for a constancy, stability and security in life is at its peak. Friends and family seem inadequate. Yes, I am seeking somethng more. I am missing 'An Umbrella'. An umbrella that will keep me dry when its raining on my head, and stand up to the wind when it shakes me, and save me from the harsh sun when its blazing. An umbrella I can cling to when I feel lonely. Something like "I have your back and you got mine"

Right now my best option is to not make a habit of getting soaked and letting the downpour get the better of me. And that - I will not have. Not yet. Not on others terms anyways.

Some Place Else

2010-05-10T09:11:00.000-07:00

I've learnt that life has a way for making sure that even though you think you've gotten lost , you are somehow in the place that needs you the most. It sometimes makes me wonder, had I made different choices whenever I did, Would I still be the same person or in the same place.

What if I hadnt gone to the same school?
What if I hadnt studied computer science instead of the BDS thing after Class 12?
What if I had taken up the Infy job that I got as a fresher?
What if I hadnt left my first job?
What if I hadnt joined my current work place?
What if I hadnt met some people in my life?
What if I hadnt been born in this family?

After all this thinking for so long I feel, the choices we make in life are pointless and immaterial, we will still reach the inevitable and predestined.

Its like swimming in a river. No matter what stroke you decide to swim by, there is a bigger force in the picture, the water current that would take you in its own direction.

Keep rowing your boat! Thats all you can do!

Shit Happens

2010-04-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, I have days when I just dont want to talk to anyone but myself.And when I find myself in that mode - all I want to do is pull the sheets back over my head and drift away to someplace where no one knows me.

Today was one such day. Thank god it has ended. Tommorrow will be a new day a new beginning.

Fill me up, buttercup

2010-04-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

I think I am down with a mild case of brain network congestion. The brain version, I mean. I don’t think that means anything actually. I think I know. It could mean that my thoughts are off balance and totally mixed up. Thoughts right now have lost their equilibrium.

Life is strangely coming together and falling apart at the same time in ways that I didn’t anticipate. I cannot begin to describe where my life is at right now because I have no idea where it is or where its going. Someone once said, If you dont know where you're going, any road would take you there. I guess that what I am doing. Walking on a some road to nowhere to stand still.Totally surrounded by unknown more than ever. I find that it is easy and convenient to push away certain aspects of it for a bit of time. At least while I try to figure it out.

Maybe I am just too bored or have thought a lot of things that are beyond the functional capacity of my brain. The latter seems to be the case. My head today is just too full of things that equate to nothingness. Its empty yet flooded. The fact is life has filled in properly.

Hum kis gali ja rahe, apna koi thikana nahi
Armanon ki anjuman mein, besud hai apni lagan mein

Sigh!

Building Bridges

2010-04-07T08:04:00.000-07:00

There are journeys to places, cities, countries. Then there are journeys of a different kind that involve people. They say sometimes the greatest journey is covering the distance between two people. Thats a timeless and a limitless journey. A neverending trail to set foot on. Strangers become aquaintances. Aquantainces become friends. Friends may become foes. Strangers and friends may become partners. Partners may become estranged. Transformation and Metamorphosis -All on the journey!!

At times, it takes a lifetime to really know people, and even after an eternity you still dont understand them even when they communicate through words. Sometimes, if you are lucky enough, the opposite happens, ie you finding people who understand even the unsaid from the look in the eye. Its a tightrope walk between being yourself and projecting a certain image, letting yourself loose and holding yourself back, percieving and judging others. The beauty is that the person on the otherside is just like you, walking a tightrope too, on the same journey to knowing you. You need to bare it for others to see you and for you to see them. Complexities galore.

Despite all the fallouts from it, being quite friendly and open to people, I have felt, it can take a minutely small insignificant gesture to bridge the gap between two people. A bright smile. A routine sms. A human touch. A tight hug. A funny joke. A warm kiss. A friendly hello. A catchup phone call. A small email. Thats all it may take. Isnt undertaking this journey of knowing people great for what its worth.

And as Joey would say it - How you doin ;)

Blogger's Park

2010-03-29T22:49:00.000-07:00

It’s the battle of the heart to find just the right words with which to express itself. That obsessive and compulsive urge to find clarity of what consumes you. It’s the longing of the voice that screams inside of you that constantly fades in the noise of the world around you. Its the desire to be heard and understood.

It’s that moment in which you sit on the computer and the world around you disappears, fading into an insignificant empty nothingness and all that remains are the the dark fears that you confront, and the hopes that you find comfort in.

It's the series of words that are evocative and provocative. Clear and Descriptive. Waiting to be used. Bringing to life, the story of the thoughts.

My epiphany of the day : Just when you think you are finally ready to walk straight, life comes up with a long winded spiral staircase!

Break Even

2010-03-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

How many times is it possible to get your heart broken?
And
How many times by the same person ?

Will cry and brood over it and come back with answers if i get any ;)

Its Complicated

2010-03-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

Facebook is smart. Really Smart. It has the option of relationship status as 'Its complicated' for people like me. But arent all relationships complicated.

Just that some are very complicated.

There is endless talking. There is sharing. There is care. There is a physical element in some way. There is fun. There is flirtatiousness. There is possessiveness. There is lust. There is liking. There is a connect. There is bonding. There is conflict. There is fun. There is a clash of opinions. There is support. There is a disagreement. There is happiness. There is fighting too. There is sweet nothing talk. There is getting hurt too. There is a spark. And so much more.

Is something missing? There is or it wont be complicated ;) But it anyway will be complicated.

Hope I find the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle soon!

Deja Vu

2010-03-07T19:46:00.000-08:00

I sometimes feel that the same battle has singled me out over and over again the last few years my life. Im into a similar situation so many times. And then it strikes - Deja Vu.Now the stage was different , the actors were different...but the same things were at stake, the same fears, the same problems, same feelings. And I had the realization that no matter where I went - until I learnt to defeat it, it would keep choosing me .

In life that the hardest questions are ironically the seemingly simple ones. Try answering - Who are you? What do you want?

I guess Id go round and round the same things for sometime till I am totally lost and get caught into a hole. And someone famous said, If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found.

Hide and Seek. Game on, Life!

Inside Out

2010-02-24T19:43:00.000-08:00

As each day passes by, the more I believe very little is needed to make life happy. On most days while going to work Im sleepy, tired and in a crabby mood. The feeling intensifies as I near the office, so does the traffic. Hoards of cars with tired expressionless faces crawling inch by inch as if its a sign telling me not to go to work. We see what is inside of us.

And today yet again the randomness of life makes an appearance. The ipod was playing John Mayer - Half of my heart, as I was just looking outside the cab window, not conciously though. Was smiling to myself as I swayed my head from side to side enjoying the beats of the song. I was in a happy state.

On my left a guy in his car was also happily moving his head/neck back and forth pigeon like and hitting his fingers on steering wheel enjoying the music while waiting for the traffic to move. Il say again, We see what is inside of us.

Randomly he looks to the right. Eyes meet Eyes. Smile Meets Smile. Heads moving in rhythm. Traffic moves. Our cab drives off so does he with his car. My James Blunt Moment! "And I don't think that I'll see her again, But we shared a moment that will last till the end." And so I put it here, in an attempt to freeze it.

Nice to meet you, Stranger! :) Hope you had a nice day!

To whom it may concern

2010-02-16T21:05:00.000-08:00

Starting today, all your crap will not be absorbed like a sponge or retaliated with anger or explained logically. I will simply choose to ignore now onwards. Going on 30, you need to learn few things now. For close to 1/5th of that I have known you and shouted hoarse to tell you the same things, you have never learnt. Now you need to learn your lesson the hard way from my silence now. Probably that will work and I hope it works.

Learn to keep your ego aside. You know it costs dearly.
Learn to say sorry.
Learn to control your angry rampage.
Learn to be sensitive to people around you.
Learn to be patient and calm.
Learn to control your extravagance with words and money.
Learn to have faith in yourself.
AND learn to yawn if you are sleepy :P

If you promise to do the above, I promise to hook you up with a nice girl!

My Name is Khan(t)!!

2010-02-13T04:03:00.000-08:00

Hence proved!! SRK cant act anymore. Do not, Do not watch this movie!! Horrible! Absolute Drag! Desperate attempt by Karan Johar to move you emotionally. Kajol-SRK magic comes and goes with a flicker of the eye. Intolerably long! Unnecessarily hyped! Pathetic mixed up storyline! Save your time and money by not watching this one.

My Rating: 5 stars in black and that too bold!!

SRK better luck next time! And Amit, you will not be forgiven for making all of us go through this torture :P

10 things to say...

2010-02-09T02:22:00.000-08:00

Situation:
With friends, Late evening, sitting and eating at a nice dimly lit restaurant in connaught place.A noisy bunch of people sat behind us and they obviously wanted to make something nice out of a friday evening just like us. Meanwhile, A girl walked upto K and compliments him for his smile and added that she had been noticing him for some time. Our otherwise streetsmart K could not think of anything to say, scratched his bushy stubble and replies with attitude - Huh! You are playing truth and dare! (Duh!! I know what a dumb and boring thing to say.)

Here's atleast 10 things what K could have said for a witty repartee to make it even more fun moment -

1) Is this a contest? Do I get a kiss for a prize? ;)
2) Thanks. But thats what you said last time too. :P
3) Sorry, Im gay. I was smiling at the guy with you. :P
4) Then how about a date? ;)
5) You want my dentist's num or mine? :D
6) You too. But sad that you're wearing much more than your smile. ;)
7) I have other nice things too. Wanna see? ;) ;)
8) Give me three good reasons for me to believe that! 8)
9) Im offended. How dare you say that! I have 'THE' nicest smile on earth. :x
10)Can you say that to my friend whose sitting next to me. He is really depressed. :P

But then they say, when women roll on, men stumble upon! SO K could not come up with a smart line. So next time you find yourself in K's shoes, you know what to say!!

Return on Investment

2010-02-06T07:41:00.000-08:00

Hats off to Prof. Eshwar who could relate any MBA funda to life and tried to teach us the same in the operations management classes. I found my analogy for operations management in life from one of the financial world's most important formula.

Its impossible to rationalise feelings and quantify relationship value. However I do feel the ROI (Return on Investment) can really give us a fair unbiased qualitative analysis.

ROI ∝ E1 x E2 x E3

E1 = Emotion; E2 = Esteem; E3 = Energy

It takes time to break even, however in the long run, the ROI should rather be positive. If any one of the E'd take a beating and goes negative, ROI will go down and then its not a project worth investing into. Time ofcourse is irrelevant here.

Some Hypothesis that is! But true if you spare a thought and analyse it.

Food for thought, aint it?

Cruise Control

2010-01-19T06:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I wish I had a cruise control mechanism fitted within me. Been going full throttle without looking and thinking. Living life in the fast lane is tempting and whats tempting makes you vulnerable; vulnerability exposes you to risks and threats; And they aren't easy to manoeuvre at a high speed. And then Bammmm!! Before you know it, you have already rammed into something. And whats worse is, you wont even know what it can do to you.

Ek lamhe mein simat aaya hai sadiyon ka safar
zindagi tez, bahut tez chali ho jaise

Slow down, I tell myself. It’s not enough to just slow down — one needs to actually be mindful of whatever one is doing at the moment. That only comes from knowing whats around us, and only possible when you take a pause to see whats surrounding us. And then you know whats coming your way and then bump into it ;) You'l know whether to stretch your arms to embrace it or fold them to block it.

Save your steam and fuel, drive along its a long winding road ahead! Bring on the cruise control!!

Full Circle

2010-01-16T08:02:00.000-08:00

Life has a funny way of coming back from behind and biting you hard. But Im not losing my sleep over that. Its time to face the truth. Whatever you do, you have to pay your dues to life. At this point cannot agree more with Justin Timberlake singing what goes around comes around.

Someday you are the statue; someday you are the pigeon. And there is no escaping that.

Ab mujhe Koi

2010-01-11T06:58:00.000-08:00

The latest love of my life is this song from Isqiya sung by Rekha Bhardwaj. Beautiful. Melodious. Heart Wrenching. Simple. Addictive. Soulful. Soft. Deep. Soothing.

Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan
Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan
Wo jo behte the aabshaar kahan
Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan
Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan
Wo jo behte the aabshar kahan
Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan

Aankh ke ek gaon mein, raat ko khwaab aate the
Aankh ke ek gaon mein, raat ko khwaab aate the
Chhoone se behte the, bole to kehte the
Udte khwaabon ka aitbaar kahan
Udte khwaabon ka aitbaar kahan
Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan

Jin dino aap the, aankh mein dhoop thi
Jin dino aap rehte the, aankh mein dhoop rehti thi
Ab to jaale hi jaale hain, ve bhi jaane wale hain
Woh jo tha dard ka qaraar kahan
Woh jo tha dard ka qaraar kahan
Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan
Woh jo behte the abshaar kahan
Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan

Aabshar = Tears/Water

Listen to it and tell me if you liked it.

2010 : POA

2010-01-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

Naa..thats not another movie..or maybe it will be. The plan of action I have in mind for the year is all about..

Loving more, fearing and planning less;
Life isnt a game of chess;
Less of crying, more of laughter;
Dont think whats gonna happen after;
Learn to swim, paint a lot;
Remember what previous years taught;
Eat,Dance,Work and Be yourself;
Read and stock more books on the shelf;
Think but forget the worry;
Want a dog, cute and furry;
Make more friends, travel some more;
Lets see what this year has in store;
Bury the past, start afresh;
Fight for your pound of flesh;
Be more human and giving;
Live, not just make a living;
Plant your feet firmly on the ground;
Look high upwards to the skies around;
Welcome everything with open hands;
Dont watch life from the side stands;
See ahead not the rear;
Simple things for this year;

Amen!

Endings & Cynicism

2009-12-28T20:41:00.000-08:00

Endings make me think. Whether its a movie ending or a relationship ending or a year ending, Endings make you reach a point, where you just have to guage where you stand and choose between what you lost and what do you stand to lose.

Endings make me look at my standings as of now. Check the debits and credits and profits and losses and finally do a reality che(ck)/(que) of what remains in the end, when the end has ended. More often than not, my reality cheque bounces. The life's bumps and bruises have made me cynical over the years. I see bottomlines and fail to see there isnt one at times coz of the pessimistic cynic in me.

The word ‘cynic’ seems to be used commonly in the pejorative, as a form of weirdness by those with little intelligence to contribute. Even GB Shaw said , “The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven't got it.”

It isnt so bad to be a cycnic, we are just too observant and question facts and the realities. We just hypothesise everything negative and believe that everything is possible. We simply believe that the realm of the possibilities remains far above and beyond our heads, and yet oddly enough, still within our reach.

George Carlin once said - Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. Thats not a bad place to be ;)

Are you a disappointed idealist too?

10

2009-12-22T06:46:00.000-08:00

10 days to the new year.
10 days to the new decade.
10 days to the new month.
10 days to a new beginning.

I wish it turns out to be a perfect 10/10 year for me and everybody around me.

Here's an early wish for all of you - Happy New Year!!!

Run Lola Run

2009-12-20T21:51:00.000-08:00

These days Iv started walking again for reasons more than one. Something funny happened today and made me realise something I was doing all this while without taking notice. The last 100mts or so to my house, I began to jog as usual. And out of nowhere a stray dog came behind me and started following me. I got scared, that it'l bite me and take me down. I stepped up my pace to find the dog also running faster and closing in on the gap between us. Ran some more, turned back to see the dog still behind me. I stopped for a second, stood still, looked at the dog and continued walking. To my surprise it didnt follow me anymore. I was so relieved.

Walked the rest of the stretch back home, thinking how often we run away from things. The more we want to escape, the more it chases us and comes behind us to haunt us. Problems are like the Hutch tagline telling you, wherever you go, our network follows you. You try and dodge it, you'l find it around the next block. Such a futile exercise it is.

I've learnt today - Taking the bulls by the horn is the only way to go ahead, if its blocking you. I would no longer run away from things, but run towards life!!

Battle of the Sexes 1

2009-12-18T00:18:00.000-08:00

After the team lunch at foodcourt, Lady D asks if everyone wants to have icecream.

Ram: I dont have icecream and dont like it either.
Lady D(retorts): Tumhari life barbaad hai.

Ram couldnt handle the remark, asks Lady D.
Ram: Tumne Kabhi Beer pi hai?
Lady D: No
Ram (smilingly): Tumhari bhi life barbaad hai.

And all others start laughing.

P.S. Icecream can also be equated to chocolates. Beer with Daroo

Tu Jaane Na

2009-12-08T00:18:00.000-08:00

Kaise bataayein, kyun tujhko chahe, yaara bataa na paaye.
Baatein dilo ki, dekho jo baaki, aankhein tujhe samjhaye.
Tu jaane na.. tu jaane na.. tu jaane na.. tu jaane na..

Unlucky Lottery

2009-12-06T23:44:00.000-08:00

Time and again I have made a hue and cry about things not meeting my need, cribbed about them. And then there are things that ground me, so much that I feel ashamed of cribbing and feel blessed at the same time for what I have.

This time the grounding factor was Paa. Saw it today and was taken down by it yet again just like Taare Zameen Pe. One in a million cases of a 'non-normalism' could happen to you or someone close to you. With over 3,000,000 DNA base pairs, if just one goes wrong, what follows is a life long battle of constant worry, underlying uncertainity, compassion, resilience, frequent crises, never ending hope, shattered dreams, daily challenges and the high stress and drama in their lives and so much more which probably I cannot fathom and if I try to it just gives me goosebumps.

What would you do if you were that unlucky one in a three million? One lottery nobody would want to win. But then, as far as life is concerned, expect the unexpected.

Payback Time

2009-11-30T21:03:00.000-08:00

Something happened at work today and Im not getting into the details of that here.

All these years, I always preferred to avoid conflict and retaliation. Internally, I justified this to myself as not stooping down to the other person's level. As a result, the other person always mistakes it for being meek. Unfortunately, it projects, I was just getting trampled on.

Well not anymore, I have now adopted a policy I use sparingly. Some people only understand things only when they are given a dose of their own medicine. Until then nothing works. And Im giving it back to them. The results are quite visible and fast.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth also follows the Newton's third law of an opposite and equal reaction. Tit for tat provides a balanced approach as per Game Theory too, a strategy that is optimistic, proactive and forgiving without being weak in its responses. It is proven, logical and effective.

Most of all, it's the type of person I try to be.

Spaces, Marriages and Wishes

2009-11-18T09:40:00.000-08:00

Its the wedding season, and seems like everyone around me is getting married. And if there is one gift that I would like to give them all - is this beautiful quote. Its from 'The Prophet' - by Khalil Gibran.

Here it goes -

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Wishing all of you a blissful married life. To You Sumukh, Shweta, Divya, Shruti, Archit and the already married folks!!

Best Wishes!

Im no super man

2009-11-09T19:35:00.000-08:00

but just human. Just flesh and bone. And I cannot take more than what I can handle, yet I take on more. And thats exactly the problem i have been having offlate - I overburden myself with thoughts to change the kind of person I am. And I fail beautifully at it. Obviously because that is against the way nature or whoever created me. With fuck-ups galore these days - emotions have been running high and a totally unchecked item.

Recent happenings have pointed either directly or indirectly, to the way I am with people around me, and as glaring as it is - there is a need for me to button up and tighten up the strings of the package that holds me.

I give away myself too easily, open up as easily as a notebook and that isnt a good thing to do in the man eat man world out there.And it backfires for sure. You never know who, when, where and what might just fail you. And all you can do is wonder. And when things and people fail me, tears dont fail me at all.

Well I know what I’ve been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I know, That I'm no Superman

Roller Coaster

2009-11-02T00:53:00.000-08:00

Mann ka ho to accha hai
par mann ka na ho to aur bhi accha hai
kyunki jab mann ka nahi hota
tab woh hota hai jo Uske mann mein hai
aur woh tumhare mann ke iccha se accha hota hai

- Harivansh Rai Bacchan

Profound and True!

Kabhie Kabhie

2009-10-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

..i am surrounded by people yet feel lonely.
..i am alone and yet dont need people around me.
..the smallest silliest thing makes me smile and laugh.
..the funniest of things fail to amuse me.
..im so angered that the silence replaces the outburst.
..i just endup shouting only to break the silence.
..i cry at the smallest thing that hurts me.
..i dont shed a tear even when something grave happens.
..i am impatient despite knowing everything will take its own time.
..i happily wait for the game to turn my way.
..i crib about everything around me.
..i am satisfied that everything around me is the best I can have.

and in between all of these things runs through my life. Each day at a time like a long windind road. Yet in that maze of life, with all those turns, I tend to get lost, but only if I get lost; I can find my way and myself.

Till then, as Johnny says - Keep Walking!

Hangover

2009-10-18T00:16:00.000-07:00

Im not talking about the head-throbbing, stomach-churning kind of hangover that keeps you in bed with the blinds shut all day. But a hangover without alcohol. And it manifests in more than one way. This week has been a potent concoction of lots of things. The resultant is a BIG hangover.

Diwali is done and over with this year. Ive been a safai karamchari of sorts working overtime cleaning every nook and corner of the house on mom's instructions. Some repair work at home. Shopping for gifts. Visitng relatives and friends and then friends and relatives coming over. Read: Frenzy. Fatigue. Exhaustion. Its a sleep hangover, I think.

Met M and spoke on phone after what you can call an era. Ofcourse, a lot of water had flown down the river and things happened since we last talked. What followed was an information overload for I guess both of us. Read: Anaesthetic. Nostalgic. Peaceful. Its a emotional hangover, I think.

All night NINE hour conversation with K left me pleasantly tired and yet smiling. A good quantity and quality of candid conversation that I generally cant have with many people. I guess people make conversations to make what they feel more meaningful. Read: Platonic. Intense. Therapeutic. Fulfilling. Its a conversational hangover, I think.

Hangover from a heady cocktail,without a single drop of liquor. And it really is possible. And it can leave you in a pleasant happy high state just like you know what ;) and now that I've vomitted it out here, Im feeling even better :)

Cheers!

The "One"

2009-10-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

Cant sleep tonight. Somedays they say - are just made for thinking. Welcome to today.I dont know whether it comes from being a Cancer - but dark skies make me wonder.I think like most water signs - that is from the heart.

Life can be pretty darn tough sometimes. Some say its simpler than simple. Everyday I walk into the unknown - with some set notions about what I know - rather what I think I know. Everyday doesnt get over. But I still question one thing. Everyday!!

How does one know?? How does one know that 'he' is the 'ONE'? what if you don't end up marrying the 'ONE', instead you end up marrying the other one. Then is the other one the 'ONE'?

Someday somebody's gonna ask you
A question that you should say yes to
once in your life
- Rhett Miller

And I need to know if he's the "ONE" to say yes. I wish it was as simple as making up an equation with all variables and ending up with x = HIM. How do you know when you have found the right person with whom to share the rest of your life? Will some bells ring? or some kind of akaashvani?

Probably there is a way. And thats tough to follow. One needs to be honest about the feelings, it is impossible to just “know” whether someone may be the right one for you. One needs to trust the gut feeling and intuition. Our intuition only strengthens and develops and echoes time and again when we make decisions and become more sensitive to our feelings. Sometimes, it takes the right timing to just know.

I read somewhere, Once in your life, if you are lucky you will meet a person who will divide life between the time before and after!

who, what, when, where, how....are questions time will answer. Till then im hoping he's just round the corner and i'l KNOW that its him and i can shout out to him, Hey You, Its YOU!!!

And hopefully its love and laughter happily ever after :)

Inglorious Basterds

2009-10-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

5 Reasons to watch this one

1) Brad Pitt. Eyeballs from females, who normally stay away from gore and violence.
2) A Quentin Tarantino direction who has pulp fiction and Kill Bill as previous works.
3) Great WWII drams. Its Bloody, Mean and Nazi obliterating, Jewish Revenge Fantasy.
4) Amazing music, soundtrack and the background scores.
5) Again amazing dialogues. It keeps you gripped, there is use of 5 languages in the movie, and yes subtitles are available.

Enough said. Go watch it and tell me how you liked it??

My Rating = 9/10. It indeed is that good.

P.S. No Typo. The Basterds is spelt with an 'e'.

What to do?

2009-09-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

Situation:
I did something that is not right and shouldnt have done. However, by doing that wrong thing, i got to know of something that is really shocking, revealing and matters a lot to me and is totally unacceptable by me or for that matter ANY girl.

What should I do?
Stay mum coz i did something wrong too and keep the anger and hurt within myself. I was let down.
OR
Confront what I got to know. But my means of knowing it were wrong. Two wrongs never make a right.

Arrrgggghhhh!! Its killing me :(

Hole in my soul

2009-09-15T00:22:00.000-07:00

Things happen. You fall. You get burnt. You get hurt. You cry. You get up. You smile. You move on. Time flies. BUT YOU DONT FORGET. Something still remains that reminds you of things. I dont forget. But it doesnt mean I want to remember it. And if I forget, what else is there to remember.

I find myself agreeing to Friedrich Nietzsche saying - "Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders."

Wish we could select and delete certain things from our memories. But that would mean we would have a clean slate and go back to the start. Deleting the evidence also doesnt help. Even if you walk out of the door, bolt it and throw the key away so that you dont see what you left behind, because out of sight is out of mind?? Not really! It doesnt work. Forget and Forgive does not work for me either. Got too sharp a memory for me to forget ;)

I just hate something like that occupying any space in my mind. I so desperately want to forget certain things and erase them forever from my life and memories. How do I do it?

“There's a Hole In My Soul, That's been killing me forever.
It's a place where a garden never grows”. - Aerosmith

My 100th Post

2009-09-09T02:37:00.000-07:00

My blog 'Faded Glory' is into the 3rd year and its my 100th post. Faded Glory has been my alter ego, my best friend at times, which i clinged to when I wanted to talk about my innermost feelings and some endless senseless talk.

The blog has also given me loyal followers and critics. Thanks to all of you in contributing to keep the charm of faded glory alive.

Cheers! Long Live Faded Glory!!

Way to go!

2009-09-05T06:11:00.000-07:00

My cousin Aru, who is in KG has been caught with speaking english because she sees her siblings do that. At the age of 5 she tries her best to construct sentences.

Today during lunch we were discussing Ramayan for my other cousin's upcoming hindi test, Aru shouted in middle of the conversation - Sita ji earth se nikli thi and pot mein gayi. And all of us burst out laughing - Ki kya bol rahi hai. Only on second thought we figured out she meant a ghada when she said pot.

Later in the day, while we were leaving it started raining. And she again remarked - The baarish is shuru. More laughter.

Buoy!! Kids can be so cute and confident and foolish and smart - all at the same time.

And they do not think before speaking that they can be wrong. Wish we can be like that.

Chicken and the Egg

2009-09-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

I am happy because things go my way OR things go my way because I am happy.

I get stressed when things dont go my way or things dont go my way because I am stressed.

Clueless!!

Common Onsite Disease

2009-08-31T20:13:00.000-07:00

COD (trademark term by me) seems to affect almost everyone when they leave home to go onsite for a few weeks to a few months or maybe years. The COD (Common Onsite Disease) infects you the minute you step on foreign land.

For the first few days - the disease is asymptomatic. The subject shows no signs of malady and is happy go lucky. Only talks about how good the place is, how luxurious the hotel is, guys would definitely comment - Yahan ki bandiyan badi hot hai yaar!, girls definitely are elated at the shopping opportunities.

After the incubation period of a few days, the COD virus comes into activity. Here's a guide to know if the subject is suffering from common onsite disease. Symptoms include:

- More Hindi Usage
- 24X7 online status on IM's
- Too much internet presence
- Sudden fondness for Hindi Songs/Movies
- Calling friends back home more often than usual
- Feeling blue frequently

To be or not to be

2009-08-26T03:20:00.000-07:00

Should you be yourself all the time without the fear of people getting judgemental or Should you portray a certain image and behave in a certain way?

Was shakespeare right in saying - All the world's a stage and we are actors who are supposed to act out or was he right when he said - God has given you one face, and you make yourself another??

Official Attyachaar

2009-08-19T22:57:00.000-07:00

Same company and same designation for over two years and the same manager and the same people around is too overbearing. Add on top of that - the measly hike over two years which wont even buy me a family pizza every month.

As they say, be happy with what you have. I am happy that atleast I am lucky enough to still be employed in a firm that's considered to be one of the best to work for. But there are still some things because of which im on the last nerve these days.

PM: One jackass, knows nothing about what we do. Always imparting gyaan or giving sugar coated golis. Doesnt even look like a manager or behave like one. You talk of salary hike and promotions and he will have his own dukhde. I end up feeling sorry for him.

The Cab PM: If people ever said women are dumb, I always dis-agreed. But now i agree - she is a live specimen. She will have the weirdest of questions and a poky nose. Never ever will wait happily for 10mins for a cab mate who is stuck with work. Wont walk even 5 steps to board the cab. Wont sit in the middle seat. If she cold, AC off, she hot AC on. And the other day she picked up a fight on the internal messenger group at work. Uff!!

Onsite Lead: His NT/user id is KULKARM. What co-incidence no, uske saare karm kukarm hi hain. He's the kinds who would ask 'Ram kaun tha?' after listening to Ramayan. And he would have the same question everyday if he listens to it everyday. There is nothing he can do right. Oh there is - he can smoke away to glory like a chimney. I guess along with the cigarette - his grey cells are on fire and getting burnt and turning to black soot into a kaala dhabba for the team.

Present State: A victim of Official Attyachaar
Present Mood: Bitchy, but feel better after venting :)

Ajj Din Chadeya

2009-08-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

Rahat Fateh Ali Khan has churned out a brilliant number yet again for Love AajKal. This one's Ajj Din Chhadeya - amazingly soothing, meaningful and addictive. This one has been on mind ever since I've watched the trailers. Having the watched the movie twice (yes twice) at the cinema hall - the plot the picturization has made the song grow on me even more.

Although the whole song and the lyrics are beautiful. Here's my favorite bit:

Maanga Jo Mera Hai, Jaata Kya Tera Hai
Maine Kaun Si, Tujhse Jannat Maang Li

Kaisa Khuda Hai Tu, Bas Naam Ka Hai Tu
Rabba Jo Teri Itni Si Bhi Na Chali
Chahiye Jo Mujhe Kar De Tu Mujhko Ada

My Rating for the song - 9/10
Do listen to the song if you can or else you're missing on too much :)

P.S. Can watch the movie a third time too. Loved it so much. Pay for my ticket and Il come along :D

Drop it and Carry on

2009-08-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

Just tonight I was talking to my close friends who are now married to each other. They were not a happily wedded couple who is into the third month of their marriage. After listening to both sides, I could easily figure out what was wrong, but they did not seem to realize what it was. I could sense it.

"Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present" is one of the 45 life's lessons from Regina Bretts. Read them here. This one has got me thinking. Making our peace with things that have happened in the past whether your fault or not is of utmost importance or we keep spoiling the present.

We are a result of what has happened to us and what we choose or do not choose to do in life. Our comedy of errors shapes our life. You can never really cut that part out coz its still part of you. The most we can do is close the book and place it in the shelf where you cant see it. If we dont, it will just rise from ashes like the phoenix and meddles into the present. Keep the surroundings de-cluttered and you wont have a feeling of being lost. There is absolutely no space for past in the present. If the wheel of time has moved, give time to time. Move on and let bygones be bygones.

Getting past the past is what is needed at times. Do not carry extra baggage wherever you go like an overstuffed VIP suitcase. Do not be overburdened by something you do not need or isnt useful. Do not be tied down to something that makes the walk of life difficult. Untie those shoes and leave them behind. And Keep Walking.

Forgive and Forget. Travel light. Enjoy the journey called life.

Love Aaj Kal & Humesha

2009-08-01T04:41:00.000-07:00

Note: This post is dedicated to two of the P's in my life. Both of them are males. They always go looking for logic and rationale behind everything. So here are my two cents for both of you and the other similar people on planet earth.

Go watch love aajkal and it should make some place in your head for faith in the fact that somethings including love defy logic. The movie re-affirmed mine. The main protagonists Meera and Jai,part of the 21st century 'Mango people' - the aam janta, learnt it the hard way.

Logic doesnt make all things work. Not all things have a law from physics behind it. Not all things come with rule books and instruction manuals. There are no global standards and processes to be followed. There is no right or wrong thing in love.

Be it the 16th century Romeo and Juliet or the 21st century Meera and Jai, the common denominator is love and that has no logical reasons. The only reasons are reasons only the heart knows. And it will always be that way.

So what makes things like love work is a secret ingredient. And the secret of the secret ingredient is NOTHING, but love.

Love,
Faded Glory

Raindrops

2009-07-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

Is it raining where you are?
Does it hit the glass window like it does here?
Does it make you smile like it does here?
Does the sun shine brighter when you wake up?
Does the night turn to darkness when you sleep?
Does the polestar guide your way when the clock strikes midnight?
Does your heart beat faster when I am not by your side?
Does the wind blow and ruffle your hair?
Does your heart stop when you think of me?
Does the song remind you of me?
Is it raining where you are?

Complicated Heart

2009-07-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

The average human heart, beating at 72 beats per minute, will beat approximately 2.5 billion times during a lifetime. It weighs on average 250 g to 300 g in females and 300 grams to 350 grams in males. Thats the biology of it.

But has anyone been able to give a number to the number of times the heart skips a beat or the weight of heart when it becomes heavy. The heart really is a complicated little thing that pumps life into us.

In the very heart buzzing with activity, there is a silent corner, from its depth a thousand emotions vibrate with every heartbeat. Countless feelings in unsaid words, whispered to self. These words and thoughts encircle the head like an invisible halo. These words. They trouble you. They comfort you. They puzzle you. They protect you. They calm you. They engulf you. They wrap you. At times your emotions are all you have and it is more than enough.

Don't know what to say now
Don't know where to start
I don't know how to handle
A complicated heart

A Phone Call

2009-07-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

For a whole day of 24 hours, Have you ever not let your cell phone be away from sight and earshot distance even for a fraction of a second because you are waiting for ONE call that has very low probability of coming?

I did that today today :)

The Kaminey Factor

2009-07-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

Listened to the title track of Kaminey a lil apprehensively. What would a song titled 'Kaminey' offer? A look up on lyrics did help to an extent. Almost every line of the song has a gaali. But as they say - Never judge a book by cover. Downloaded it and listening to it since morning. This song has taken me by surprise. It is a beautiful song with great lyrics. It definitely will stay on my playlist for a long long time. Gulzar at his best. Somethings just get better with age. An ideal end-of-the-day-song to unwind and reflect on life.

Kya kare zindagi isko hum jo miley
Iski jaan kha gaye raat din ke giley
Raat din giley

Meri aarzoo kameenee mere khwab bhi kaminey
Ik dil se dosti thi yeh hazoor bhi kaminey

Deep down, there is a an element of 'kameenapan' in all of us. We all have nasty habits. Sarcasm is my core skill and people around me know i can rip off anyone's pride within seconds. I know it stings like a bee and thats precisely why i do it on most occasions. I guess it comes naturally to quick witted people. At times i have had a taste of my own medicine. With time I am learning to not let my sarcasm it cross the fine line between humor and arrogance. Sarcasm is a great defense mechanism, one I’ve adapted and perfected and taken on as my own personal shield. I try to focus on my sarcasm, and while I think most of it is harmless, I know I can be totally insensitive. The plagiarist in me sings - Meri kuch aadatein kameenee :P Really?? Heck, No!! *As if your opinion matters* *chuckles*

So tell me - Whats your K(read Kameena) factor??

Lets make a night to remember

2009-07-08T02:23:00.000-07:00

Iv been home alone for a week. And its not a nice feeling to come back to an empty house after work specially when on other days its bustling with three other people. And so V came over and i asked him to stay at my place.

The weather was lovely with pre-monsoon showers and it was 12 in the night. We went for a stroll at that hour. Pleasantly surprised i was, staying in the campus for last 27 years i had never walked on the deserted paths at 12 in the night. And we walked and talked about random things, chased frogs and stopped by the drain to watch fireflies. Good stuff happens on dark stormy nights i guess.

Later in the night we talked about people and life with a free flow of emotions and memories. Watched old photographs :) And talked some more and dozed off at 5 AM in the morning while V was still speaking about something :D

Woke up at 9AM and had milk and bread n butter and i left for work and V left for his home. Did not have so much fun in recent times. Felt recharged. Glad to rediscover that i still have stamina to stay awake all night and talk.

The icing on the cake was V's email and SMS next day. It will certainly keep me going for a few days :) In V's words - Never thought a night with man/woman could be so much fun with our pants on ;)

I guess that says it all.

Eat, Pray, Love

2009-06-17T20:10:00.000-07:00

Just finished reading 'Eat Pray Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert.

After a divorce and a bit of a pre-mid-life-crisis, the 30-something author decided to spend a year trying to restore balance to her life by traveling solo to three places: Rome, India, and Bali. This book chronicles that year. Its her search for everything.

The book Eat Pray Love is also being made into a movie starring Julia Roberts.

A few lines from the book have really struck a chord in my head and heart. It is so profoundly true and beautifully put.

Quote The resting place of the mind is the heart. The only thing the mind hears all day is clanging bells and noise and arguments, and all it wants is quietude. The only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of the heart. That's where you need to go. Unquote

At times im not at peace because there is a constant head vs heart struggle. And rarely it happens that they get along. In most situations my head and the heart have torn me apart.

At times i have a craving to eat something and if i decide otherwise, it later haunts me and i come to a point where i think i should have eaten it. Thats a small thing my heart told me. There have been bigger things my heart told me, but i ignored all the warning signs and tried to suppress what it said. In the end, you know whats going to happen, dont you? And it does happen. The heart told you so, but you never listened. Now can you really complain?

So, if you find yourself alone and If you are on the road and you dont know the directions and If every door you tried was locked and If the river seems too wide and deep to cross. If the mountain seems too high to scale. Dont worry!! Listen to your heart - your heart will lead you home.

One needs to follow the heart as the heart never lies and would guide you even if you're lost in hostile Sahara or Arctic. And then you shall find ourself once you're completely lost. :)

Just another Day...

2009-06-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

...Just another casualty. Each new day is a new fight in itself. The alarm wont ring. The milk gets spilt on the shirt. The team mate is absent. The PC conks off. The boss wants a report urgently. The list is endless. Everyday there are a hundred things that can go wrong and one of them just goes wrong.

And when things go wrong, you find yourself on the darker side of things. Amongst all those times, there is one thing that has really helped me sail through is my extremist attitude. Im am a person who always likes to see things in black and white. It is either this way or that way. Taking the middle path has never been my philosphy in life.

Often we all take advantage of looking at things the grey-way. It seems that the main reason to apply this way of thinking to our everyday life is simply that this way of seeing is to our benefit. Travelling in two different boats at the same time may land you in the pool of water. Ever Kabir Das, mentions in his doha that things get ground between two ways.

चलती चाक्की देख के दिया कबीरा रोए
दुइ पाटन के बीच में साबुत बचा ना कोए

Choosing a destination and deciding between this and that tough maybe, but makes life easier. Its a choice we have to make and then deal with it. No choice is easier than the other. But its important we make one and face the consequences.

Time and again i have made wrong choices, but im glad i made them as i could stand by the concious choice i made. Even if i failed, its easier to deal with the failure coz making the choice was my responsibility and so are the effects of making that choice. Its slightly easier to take it in our stride.

Yehi hai right choice baby - to make a choice!!

Growing Up

2009-05-31T20:48:00.000-07:00

Growing Old is not an option, Growing up is. In another 2-3 hours, it will be a new day and a new calender month. More so, my it is my birthday month. Il be a year older, and if i paint a picture of how my life has been so far - it doesnt look that bad. A comedy of errors if i may call it.

But there is some part of me that does not want to grow up at all. When i was a kid all i wanted to do was grow up so that i could do things on my own, work, drive. But now growing old is the scariest thing now that im approaching my 27th birthday. At the same time i feel growing old should be savoured like the finest wines.

Iv had my knees skinned, hands burnt and heart broken so many times. There is confusion about my life to date and how will it be going forward.

I know whats right and wrong.
I know how to laugh and cry.
I know where to find answers and ask questions.
I know when to dream and face the truth.
I know all the rules.
I know the left and right.
I know the foward and backward.

Yet, i know nothing at all. And im in this perpetual state of Knowing Nothing and Staying Stupid. Im a happy i am here :)

Cheers to that!

Its good to be bad!

2009-05-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

Just the other day, i got late and made my cab driver wait for 5 minutes. Thats not too long a wait for anyone and i usually do not get late. Infact he himself was late as well. However, i was on the receiving end for making everyone wait. At the same time the other cab mates who have nakhras and also get late, but they are never at the receiving end if they get late. I naturally felt bad at this bias.

My biggest problem is that i have difficulty in saying 'No' to things and people. I find myself doing things for people readily and willingly. I find myself being nice and friendly to most people. But at certain points of time - one should say No, one should be curt, if not some people will take you for granted, consciously or unconsciously.

Suddenly Machiavelli's Prince makes sense to me. Machiavelli iterated - If a prince is overly generous to his subjects, he will lose appreciation and will only cause greed for more. He further asserts that it would be best to be both loved and feared.

Being Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes isnt always the best thing to do, there are people who will run you down, would undermine you and not appreciate you. Your nice, easy going friendly demeanor makes other people take you for granted. Its good to be bad at times! Let people fear you, and you wont be ever taken for granted.

I seriously need to adopt Machiavellian way of maintaining public relations.

Ghummakkad Times

2009-05-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

Went out to Cafe Morrison in South-Ex after like 4yrs. Dedicated to Jim Morrison and a haven for rock fans. You have Mexican, Arabic, Italian, Chinese and Indian Cuisine all under one roof. A friend who is a foodie and loves music would be your ideal company to Cafe Morrison.

Where am i headed this weekend?? There are two places on my mind to go to - 1) Blu-O, the new bowling alley at Ambience Mall thats claims to be the second largest in the world or 2)Howzzat @ Galaxy Hotel - it boasts of a micro-brewery within the joint with cricket as the theme.

Now that the where part is done. Working out the when is Work-in-Progress. Sounds like the weekend is going to be fun.

Amen!

Movie Review : 99

2009-05-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

Dont know how or why TOI gave it 3 stars. Its a 1 star movie. Please dont watch it - if you do you'll be wasting your money and time.

And i dont want to invest anymore time in writing about a pathetic movie!! There are better things to do.

Circle of Life

2009-05-14T00:53:00.000-07:00

The more i want to deny and suppress certain thoughts i have in mind, the more space they occupy and the more they spring back every now and then. Things happen - some good and some bad. And these events like the genome in our DNA are pre-destined. In someway or the other life will make you pay your dues. Thats something i never believed in and have come to terms with the paraphernalia around the 'kismet' thing. Some questions still linger in my head.

Are we following a pre-destined course of life? Thats what most people agree to. And if thats the case, Do we really have free will? Do the choices we make in life and the decisions we take on the crossroads take us elsewhere and not to the place we are destined to go to. Infact, are these decisions really ours? Or was it made for us before we were even born?

I dont believe in god, atleast i like to believe so. But then, the gods make contradictory statements too. God 1 says - 'Yeh to Vidhi ka vidhaan hai'. God 2 says - Karam kiye ja, fal ki iccha na kar. If it is all predestined - why do the karma?

Confuses me!! Logical Fallacy at its best. With all these questions in my mind, and no answers in sight, il have to wait and see and form my own theory about the circle of life. The purpose of life yet needs to be found and il know one hundred percent of the answers only when i cross the to the other side of life.

But the quest for answers is not so desperate that i want to die. There's still a lot of life to be lived. Abhi to meri shaadi bhi nahi hui ;)

Two Down

2009-04-27T00:55:00.000-07:00

Of the many things on my bucket list, im glad a few things have been striked off.
- Rafting - Done.
- Cliffjumping - Done.

Other than these items on my checked 'To-Do' list, there are some discreet moments,beautiful moments captured in my mind forever to remember when i grow old. A thousand inexplicable feelings between the lines.

- Stargazing till 1AM at night.
- Swimming in the chilled water of ganges.
- Discovering people and places
- The beauty of a 5AM sunrise and white sand and golden sun.
- The sound of chirpy and twittering birds.
- The sound Water gushing down the river.
- The overdose of music while driving.

Never thought going in a small group could be fun. Like N put it for me, while i was planning and people kept dropping out - It takes one good company that matters. So very true!

:)