Mind Machine

Never understood my mind. It been one hellova thought processor - mixing up feelings, juicing up what I wish for and grinding my hopes.

I hope with all that mixing, juicing and grinding - It dishes out something worthwhile and positive that gives me direction, faith and peace.

Accept Except

I have always been a people person, open and easy to get along with. A friendly 'Hi' and some small talk and some coversations later - the person for me is no longer a stranger or an aquaintance. And that has always come naturally to me. In the process have come to know many people and a lot of them more closely. Each got connected in a different way. I believed in accepting people for what they are. I believed they are what they are by chance and not choice.

My belief system is shaky right now. These days people repel me.People are making me sick. People who wont lend a helping hand. People who are self centred. People who are uncurteous. People who have misplaced heads. People with ego. People with unnecessary airs. People who dont value relationships. People who dont respect. People who cant appreciate. People who only criticise. People who are judgemental. People who are crude and rude. People who are insensitive. People who dont pay heed to your words. People who are superficial. People who dont value people. These are choices people make conciously or subconciously.

I guess about time I make my choice - What to accept and What to not!

Accepting'ly yours
Faded Glory

Hide & Seek

You may run very far to the end of the world, you may hide in the darkest corner, you may change contact numbers, emails, cities, countries still thoughts can penetrate even where the light cant. That I know.

Bad days end, bad times end but what remains till eternity are the looks that assured you, touch that invigorates you, smiles that brighten the heart. These you cannot wipe out from the slate of your mind - no matter hard you try.

Then why do you fight it? Why cant you accept it? Why cant you let it be?

Questioning'ly yours
Faded Glory

Aaina..

..mujhse meri pahli si soorat maange...waqt likhta raha chehre pe har pal ka hisaab..

Dark circles under the eyes, the once perfectly fitted denims hanging loose. Being a telling tale aint good. What a terrible year it has been so far, right from start to midyear, wont settle for a bad ending at all. Enough of bad for 2011. I'm going to turn the tables around!

This last leg of the year, I am going to fight back and bounce back. Cant let anything get the better of my health anymore. Need to start taking care of myself, need to start eating well and sleeping well.

And that I will do!

Positive'ly yours
Faded Glory

Inky Pinky Ponki

Its not just a counting out game children play. It indeed is an important way to figure out who you want to have as the last man standing. For some you will always be the choice and for some you will always be just an option.

The hard fact remains - Never make someone a priority if you are just an option for them. Just take a good look at your friends, family, co workers and significant others. There is no excuse for poor behaviour of people; just dont accept anything less than you deserve and weed out the rest!

Do things for people who in turn will do things for you! Give up things for people who will in turn give up things for you! Have people around you who in turn want to have you around!

Dont worry about the rest as they will have another option nearby.

Pondering-ly Yours
Faded Glory

Food for thought

I want to.
I should.
I have to.
I ought to.
I could.
And yet, I cant....give up eating junk!

A walk to remember

Its just not a bloody movie! Its a movie that made me cry! Had my own little 'A Walk to Remember. 3 hours. On Foot. From Dhaula Kuan to Home.

With tired feet, a dead brain, cold hands, heavy shoulders and a small little heart that has little hope for myself, I said to myself a million times over - I will never be understood and accepted.

Wait Watching

We play a endless waiting game – life and me. Life waits for me to turn into the person it wills for me to be. I wait for it to turn into what I expect out of it. Some days life wins. Some days I win.

And in all the days that lie in between, there’s just the endless waiting.

Sigh-ingly yours
Faded Glory

Come Undone!

I can feel my heart
And it's fit to burst
I try to clean it up
But I just get worse

With the sun setting on 2010, my head is bombarded with a million thoughts. Its like a perfect ending - a weekend, a month end and a year end. Sometimes just one small thing ruins it all. Sometimes just one thing makes it worthwhile. I ve got the former all year through like little packets bursting to wake me up from the dream where everything is fine. What a waste sometimes it can be to weave something! As perfect it may seem - Just pull one string and it comes undone.

Foolish-ly yours
Faded Glory

Good, Bad, Ugly

Of all the messiness internal to my head and the heart for the last 3-4 days, it spilled onto the outside too. Sometimes they say the exterior is a reflection of whats on the inside.

- Wore the same clothes for the 2nd consecutive today. Shabby Me :D
- Went to work without taking a bath. Filthy Me :D
- Wore the tee and the sweater inside out. Stupid Me :D
- Forgot my work laptop at home. Foolish Me :D
- Locked out my own account by entering a wrong password 3 times. Idiotic Me :D
- Wore no earrings or kajal or combing my hair. Ugly me :D
- Told all the above to almost everyone. Funny Me :D

Of everything that happens and bogs me down, thank god for small mercies that I can still laugh at the silliness of things than let the drama rule my life.

Smiling-ly yours
Faded Glory

Erase & Rewind

November went by so fast without even making a swooshing sound. With the privelege of it among the last few months of the year, November makes a special case this year. Total crazy-silliness, yet, personally satisfying and fulfilling in a way. Draining and exhaustive in another way. Having enjoyed and survived it all and totally loving the fact. December knocks at the door. Bring it on I'd say!!

Lost in Translation

Seven in the morning
The sun isnt shining
I wake up with a sigh
I dont know why!

Snooze the alarm twice
Twist and turn thrice
Turned 28 from ten
I dont know when!

Cover up with a bedsheet
Curl up my tired feet
Mind runs like a crazy hare
I dont know where!

Rest my head on the pillow
Control the tears that flow
Feeling cold or hot
I dont know what!

Rub and Close my eyes
Wishing for clear blue skies
Will I ever be understood
I dont know who would!

Point Blank

Sometimes you dont know what you are feeling anymore coz you are numb. What is the point when you think its pointless. Is it the time you feel let down? Is it the time when you give up on yourself? or give up on someone else? Is it the time you feel like not reacting? Is it the time when you become indifferent?

I feel when you feel nothing, thats when there is no point. When you are no longer surprised at what is happening, but left with a few bursts of emotions and tears here and there, just at the way it's happening. When you don't want to get back but sit back. Watch how far and how low it's gonna go. How much farther the wheel will drag before you see it wobble. It's the time you withdraw and surrender, be a silent spectator knowing something is slipping and you cant do anything about it. When you don't love. When you don't hate. When you just shrug. When you care no more. Then its pointless.

Its like being in a cinema hall, when you notice for the first time how the red EXIT sign at the door is when the movie is about to end. When you wonder if it was always this red and you were too distracted by the movie to notice it. That's the point to get up and go because its pointless.

pointless-ly yours,
Faded Glory

Keep Walking

All these years life has taught me by staring in my face. Whatever you want most, is always just two small steps away. It seems so close yet that little distance seems far. Yet, its always just at a arms distance, little ahead of you. Just a little away. You feel it's within reach, there it is, just two steps more and i'll be there, just a little push, a little stretch and i'll have it in my grasp. And by the time you finally get there or it lands in your grasp, either you no longer want it or you are not happy about reaching there or you have found something new to want which is again, just two steps away, always two steps away.

That's how you go on, that's how life goes on.

Some Place Else

I've learnt that life has a way for making sure that even though you think you've gotten lost , you are somehow in the place that needs you the most. It sometimes makes me wonder, had I made different choices whenever I did, Would I still be the same person or in the same place.

What if I hadnt gone to the same school?
What if I hadnt studied computer science instead of the BDS thing after Class 12?
What if I had taken up the Infy job that I got as a fresher?
What if I hadnt left my first job?
What if I hadnt joined my current work place?
What if I hadnt met some people in my life?
What if I hadnt been born in this family?

After all this thinking for so long I feel, the choices we make in life are pointless and immaterial, we will still reach the inevitable and predestined.

Its like swimming in a river. No matter what stroke you decide to swim by, there is a bigger force in the picture, the water current that would take you in its own direction.

Keep rowing your boat! Thats all you can do!

Shit Happens

Every once in a while, I have days when I just dont want to talk to anyone but myself.And when I find myself in that mode - all I want to do is pull the sheets back over my head and drift away to someplace where no one knows me.

Today was one such day. Thank god it has ended. Tommorrow will be a new day a new beginning.

Fill me up, buttercup

I think I am down with a mild case of brain network congestion. The brain version, I mean. I don’t think that means anything actually. I think I know. It could mean that my thoughts are off balance and totally mixed up. Thoughts right now have lost their equilibrium.

Life is strangely coming together and falling apart at the same time in ways that I didn’t anticipate. I cannot begin to describe where my life is at right now because I have no idea where it is or where its going. Someone once said, If you dont know where you're going, any road would take you there. I guess that what I am doing. Walking on a some road to nowhere to stand still.Totally surrounded by unknown more than ever. I find that it is easy and convenient to push away certain aspects of it for a bit of time. At least while I try to figure it out.

Maybe I am just too bored or have thought a lot of things that are beyond the functional capacity of my brain. The latter seems to be the case. My head today is just too full of things that equate to nothingness. Its empty yet flooded. The fact is life has filled in properly.

Hum kis gali ja rahe, apna koi thikana nahi
Armanon ki anjuman mein, besud hai apni lagan mein

Sigh!

Blogger's Park

It’s the battle of the heart to find just the right words with which to express itself. That obsessive and compulsive urge to find clarity of what consumes you. It’s the longing of the voice that screams inside of you that constantly fades in the noise of the world around you. Its the desire to be heard and understood.

It’s that moment in which you sit on the computer and the world around you disappears, fading into an insignificant empty nothingness and all that remains are the the dark fears that you confront, and the hopes that you find comfort in.

It's the series of words that are evocative and provocative. Clear and Descriptive. Waiting to be used. Bringing to life, the story of the thoughts.

My epiphany of the day : Just when you think you are finally ready to walk straight, life comes up with a long winded spiral staircase!

Break Even

How many times is it possible to get your heart broken?
And
How many times by the same person ?

Will cry and brood over it and come back with answers if i get any ;)

Its Complicated

Facebook is smart. Really Smart. It has the option of relationship status as 'Its complicated' for people like me. But arent all relationships complicated.

Just that some are very complicated.

There is endless talking. There is sharing. There is care. There is a physical element in some way. There is fun. There is flirtatiousness. There is possessiveness. There is lust. There is liking. There is a connect. There is bonding. There is conflict. There is fun. There is a clash of opinions. There is support. There is a disagreement. There is happiness. There is fighting too. There is sweet nothing talk. There is getting hurt too. There is a spark. And so much more.

Is something missing? There is or it wont be complicated ;) But it anyway will be complicated.

Hope I find the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle soon!