Aaina..

..mujhse meri pahli si soorat maange...waqt likhta raha chehre pe har pal ka hisaab..

Dark circles under the eyes, the once perfectly fitted denims hanging loose. Being a telling tale aint good. What a terrible year it has been so far, right from start to midyear, wont settle for a bad ending at all. Enough of bad for 2011. I'm going to turn the tables around!

This last leg of the year, I am going to fight back and bounce back. Cant let anything get the better of my health anymore. Need to start taking care of myself, need to start eating well and sleeping well.

And that I will do!

Positive'ly yours
Faded Glory

Back from Outer Space

Seasons have changed
Months gone by
Life's re-arranged
With challenges to defy

Building life back
Brick by brick
Getting on track
Hasnt been quick

Stronger than before
Leaving things behind
Swimming for the shore
Have my peace of mind

Climbing up the rope
I do see the top
Raising up hope
Life isnt a fullstop

Upright on my feet
And a long road ahead
The journey is incomplete
But I am clear in my head

Hello Dolly

Some had the pampering of their grandmothers, some had the laps of their mom's, some sucked quietly onto their thumbs, For my sense of security as a child, I had a Barbie. And I still have the doll. She ate with me, slept with me, played with me and I dragged her everywhere by her hair. I felt safe by taking her along.

It's not incredible - people attach meaning to inanimate objects - dolls, watches, mufflers, a dried flower - though just another thing to most - it can be the blanket of security that gives a sense of belonging to a few - including me.

Then I grew up and clinged to people and things closest to my heart. When people my age were moving on, leaving their homes, cities even countries to study or to work – I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think to move. I still cant. And that need for security has forever been burning in me, in its powerful and protective yet different forms. We downplay our deepest need to be valued and cherished that makes us vulnerable yet so strong.

Home-ly yours
Faded Glory

Food for thought

I want to.
I should.
I have to.
I ought to.
I could.
And yet, I cant....give up eating junk!

Wait Watching

We play a endless waiting game – life and me. Life waits for me to turn into the person it wills for me to be. I wait for it to turn into what I expect out of it. Some days life wins. Some days I win.

And in all the days that lie in between, there’s just the endless waiting.

Sigh-ingly yours
Faded Glory

Come Undone!

I can feel my heart
And it's fit to burst
I try to clean it up
But I just get worse

With the sun setting on 2010, my head is bombarded with a million thoughts. Its like a perfect ending - a weekend, a month end and a year end. Sometimes just one small thing ruins it all. Sometimes just one thing makes it worthwhile. I ve got the former all year through like little packets bursting to wake me up from the dream where everything is fine. What a waste sometimes it can be to weave something! As perfect it may seem - Just pull one string and it comes undone.

Foolish-ly yours
Faded Glory

Good, Bad, Ugly

Of all the messiness internal to my head and the heart for the last 3-4 days, it spilled onto the outside too. Sometimes they say the exterior is a reflection of whats on the inside.

- Wore the same clothes for the 2nd consecutive today. Shabby Me :D
- Went to work without taking a bath. Filthy Me :D
- Wore the tee and the sweater inside out. Stupid Me :D
- Forgot my work laptop at home. Foolish Me :D
- Locked out my own account by entering a wrong password 3 times. Idiotic Me :D
- Wore no earrings or kajal or combing my hair. Ugly me :D
- Told all the above to almost everyone. Funny Me :D

Of everything that happens and bogs me down, thank god for small mercies that I can still laugh at the silliness of things than let the drama rule my life.

Smiling-ly yours
Faded Glory

Erase & Rewind

November went by so fast without even making a swooshing sound. With the privelege of it among the last few months of the year, November makes a special case this year. Total crazy-silliness, yet, personally satisfying and fulfilling in a way. Draining and exhaustive in another way. Having enjoyed and survived it all and totally loving the fact. December knocks at the door. Bring it on I'd say!!

Lost in Translation

Seven in the morning
The sun isnt shining
I wake up with a sigh
I dont know why!

Snooze the alarm twice
Twist and turn thrice
Turned 28 from ten
I dont know when!

Cover up with a bedsheet
Curl up my tired feet
Mind runs like a crazy hare
I dont know where!

Rest my head on the pillow
Control the tears that flow
Feeling cold or hot
I dont know what!

Rub and Close my eyes
Wishing for clear blue skies
Will I ever be understood
I dont know who would!

Free Falling

Should I just ask
Instead of wearing a mask
That everything is alright
Not by a long sight

Should I just hangon
when conclusion seems foregone
somethings may change
the world looks so strange

Should I just forget
like a bad debt
what i'm trying to clutch
feelings that senses cant touch

What should I do
I wish I knew
No crystal ball
To tell me all

Let the church bells toll
Let the die roll
With sixth sense to guide me
Hope I wont be falling free!

I believe in...

I believe in..
Choosing to be silent
Instead of finding a vent
Few care for your anger
For the rest - put it on a hanger

I believe in..
Struggling with my fear
Things go into reverse gear
Few care for that feeling
For the rest - put a cieling

I believe in..
Fighting out a quiet battle
The head may rattle
Few care for your absence
For the rest - put a fence

Point Blank

Sometimes you dont know what you are feeling anymore coz you are numb. What is the point when you think its pointless. Is it the time you feel let down? Is it the time when you give up on yourself? or give up on someone else? Is it the time you feel like not reacting? Is it the time when you become indifferent?

I feel when you feel nothing, thats when there is no point. When you are no longer surprised at what is happening, but left with a few bursts of emotions and tears here and there, just at the way it's happening. When you don't want to get back but sit back. Watch how far and how low it's gonna go. How much farther the wheel will drag before you see it wobble. It's the time you withdraw and surrender, be a silent spectator knowing something is slipping and you cant do anything about it. When you don't love. When you don't hate. When you just shrug. When you care no more. Then its pointless.

Its like being in a cinema hall, when you notice for the first time how the red EXIT sign at the door is when the movie is about to end. When you wonder if it was always this red and you were too distracted by the movie to notice it. That's the point to get up and go because its pointless.

pointless-ly yours,
Faded Glory

Think Pad

When I think of you, I am happy.
AND
When I am happy, I think of you.

Crossing the road

I dislike change. And I hate it with a passion, but as they say, the only constant is change. So this week, I turned in my resignation, telling my boss that I no longer intend to work with them. Shock and Awe!

Thinking of new unknown and leaving the familiar behind, my stomach has been in a knot, I get clammy hands and feet from the anticipation of my leaving the comfortable set up I have been accustomed to for the last three years, but at the same time, I am happy about what you would conceive as a wise decision in this newly booming economy. Yet, afraid and anxious as I am, I'm also kinda sure that I will be okay.

Have been talking to myself, thinking over how this change could bring about other changes as well, and how I deal with them. I do not mean that I even knew how to articulate my anxiety, my state of uncertainty and inner turmoil. All I know is that part of me does not want to move but at the same time feelings of stagnancy prevail. The only thing I was certain of, is whatever road I will take, its not going to be easy. The decision to change is made - my last day with my present job is until the end of this month.

Counting my days now. Dont know what the day countdown is for - leaving the old or embracing the new!

28 on 24

Someone once said, 'Growing old is not an option, Growing up is'. I turned 28 today. Figuratively,I feel grown up from what life has taught me the hard way and literally I have grown in size as well :( I have grown old inevitably by an year. Have a few strands of grey hair here and there. I'l take it as a sign of wisdom i.e. understanding of myself.

There's this little person inside me -
Who thinks that she is lucky to have great friends.
Who cries a lot.
Who lives without care.
Who is forever in her day dreams.
Who laughs at every funny and non funny thing
Who surprises herself by following the heart totally
Who loves malls and janpath equally.
Who thinks and analyses a lot.
Who is indecisive and finicky.
Who is wanting affirmation.
Who trusts people easily.

And then there is this sometimes crazy person inside me

Who is scared of being lonely.
Who falls in love several times with a song, a color, a bag.
Who doesnt find time to put nail paint but finds time to blog.
Who is mushy and moody. Mostly cynical.Sometimes whimsical. Majorly stupid.
Who is overly sensitive and totally protective about self.
Who loves to make plan A, plan B, plan C, plan D and so on.
Who is quite intense but then again doesnt show it outwardly.
Who is dying to get out of the shell but feels trapped.
Who is let down by people so many times.

Every second - I am learning to understand this person. Im reaching there, little by little. Year after year.

Some Place Else

I've learnt that life has a way for making sure that even though you think you've gotten lost , you are somehow in the place that needs you the most. It sometimes makes me wonder, had I made different choices whenever I did, Would I still be the same person or in the same place.

What if I hadnt gone to the same school?
What if I hadnt studied computer science instead of the BDS thing after Class 12?
What if I had taken up the Infy job that I got as a fresher?
What if I hadnt left my first job?
What if I hadnt joined my current work place?
What if I hadnt met some people in my life?
What if I hadnt been born in this family?

After all this thinking for so long I feel, the choices we make in life are pointless and immaterial, we will still reach the inevitable and predestined.

Its like swimming in a river. No matter what stroke you decide to swim by, there is a bigger force in the picture, the water current that would take you in its own direction.

Keep rowing your boat! Thats all you can do!

Shit Happens

Every once in a while, I have days when I just dont want to talk to anyone but myself.And when I find myself in that mode - all I want to do is pull the sheets back over my head and drift away to someplace where no one knows me.

Today was one such day. Thank god it has ended. Tommorrow will be a new day a new beginning.

Its Complicated

Facebook is smart. Really Smart. It has the option of relationship status as 'Its complicated' for people like me. But arent all relationships complicated.

Just that some are very complicated.

There is endless talking. There is sharing. There is care. There is a physical element in some way. There is fun. There is flirtatiousness. There is possessiveness. There is lust. There is liking. There is a connect. There is bonding. There is conflict. There is fun. There is a clash of opinions. There is support. There is a disagreement. There is happiness. There is fighting too. There is sweet nothing talk. There is getting hurt too. There is a spark. And so much more.

Is something missing? There is or it wont be complicated ;) But it anyway will be complicated.

Hope I find the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle soon!

Just another Day...

...Just another casualty. Each new day is a new fight in itself. The alarm wont ring. The milk gets spilt on the shirt. The team mate is absent. The PC conks off. The boss wants a report urgently. The list is endless. Everyday there are a hundred things that can go wrong and one of them just goes wrong.

And when things go wrong, you find yourself on the darker side of things. Amongst all those times, there is one thing that has really helped me sail through is my extremist attitude. Im am a person who always likes to see things in black and white. It is either this way or that way. Taking the middle path has never been my philosphy in life.

Often we all take advantage of looking at things the grey-way. It seems that the main reason to apply this way of thinking to our everyday life is simply that this way of seeing is to our benefit. Travelling in two different boats at the same time may land you in the pool of water. Ever Kabir Das, mentions in his doha that things get ground between two ways.

चलती चाक्की देख के दिया कबीरा रोए
दुइ पाटन के बीच में साबुत बचा ना कोए

Choosing a destination and deciding between this and that tough maybe, but makes life easier. Its a choice we have to make and then deal with it. No choice is easier than the other. But its important we make one and face the consequences.

Time and again i have made wrong choices, but im glad i made them as i could stand by the concious choice i made. Even if i failed, its easier to deal with the failure coz making the choice was my responsibility and so are the effects of making that choice. Its slightly easier to take it in our stride.

Yehi hai right choice baby - to make a choice!!

Growing Up

Growing Old is not an option, Growing up is. In another 2-3 hours, it will be a new day and a new calender month. More so, my it is my birthday month. Il be a year older, and if i paint a picture of how my life has been so far - it doesnt look that bad. A comedy of errors if i may call it.

But there is some part of me that does not want to grow up at all. When i was a kid all i wanted to do was grow up so that i could do things on my own, work, drive. But now growing old is the scariest thing now that im approaching my 27th birthday. At the same time i feel growing old should be savoured like the finest wines.

Iv had my knees skinned, hands burnt and heart broken so many times. There is confusion about my life to date and how will it be going forward.

I know whats right and wrong.
I know how to laugh and cry.
I know where to find answers and ask questions.
I know when to dream and face the truth.
I know all the rules.
I know the left and right.
I know the foward and backward.

Yet, i know nothing at all. And im in this perpetual state of Knowing Nothing and Staying Stupid. Im a happy i am here :)

Cheers to that!