Crossing the road

I dislike change. And I hate it with a passion, but as they say, the only constant is change. So this week, I turned in my resignation, telling my boss that I no longer intend to work with them. Shock and Awe!

Thinking of new unknown and leaving the familiar behind, my stomach has been in a knot, I get clammy hands and feet from the anticipation of my leaving the comfortable set up I have been accustomed to for the last three years, but at the same time, I am happy about what you would conceive as a wise decision in this newly booming economy. Yet, afraid and anxious as I am, I'm also kinda sure that I will be okay.

Have been talking to myself, thinking over how this change could bring about other changes as well, and how I deal with them. I do not mean that I even knew how to articulate my anxiety, my state of uncertainty and inner turmoil. All I know is that part of me does not want to move but at the same time feelings of stagnancy prevail. The only thing I was certain of, is whatever road I will take, its not going to be easy. The decision to change is made - my last day with my present job is until the end of this month.

Counting my days now. Dont know what the day countdown is for - leaving the old or embracing the new!

28 on 24

Someone once said, 'Growing old is not an option, Growing up is'. I turned 28 today. Figuratively,I feel grown up from what life has taught me the hard way and literally I have grown in size as well :( I have grown old inevitably by an year. Have a few strands of grey hair here and there. I'l take it as a sign of wisdom i.e. understanding of myself.

There's this little person inside me -
Who thinks that she is lucky to have great friends.
Who cries a lot.
Who lives without care.
Who is forever in her day dreams.
Who laughs at every funny and non funny thing
Who surprises herself by following the heart totally
Who loves malls and janpath equally.
Who thinks and analyses a lot.
Who is indecisive and finicky.
Who is wanting affirmation.
Who trusts people easily.

And then there is this sometimes crazy person inside me

Who is scared of being lonely.
Who falls in love several times with a song, a color, a bag.
Who doesnt find time to put nail paint but finds time to blog.
Who is mushy and moody. Mostly cynical.Sometimes whimsical. Majorly stupid.
Who is overly sensitive and totally protective about self.
Who loves to make plan A, plan B, plan C, plan D and so on.
Who is quite intense but then again doesnt show it outwardly.
Who is dying to get out of the shell but feels trapped.
Who is let down by people so many times.

Every second - I am learning to understand this person. Im reaching there, little by little. Year after year.

You can stand under my umbrella

Let me share a secret.
I've carried it in my heart for a long time now. I'm scared to say this. Even more scared to think about it. I confessed to a few very friends of mine that I thought I needed to get away for a weekend, go to the mountains or sit by a beach, far from the maddening crowd and contemplate. Now believe me, trying to find a mountain or a beach when you live in a concrete jungle like delhi is far from easy.

Im more insecure and pessimistic than ever at this point of life. My craving for a constancy, stability and security in life is at its peak. Friends and family seem inadequate. Yes, I am seeking somethng more. I am missing 'An Umbrella'. An umbrella that will keep me dry when its raining on my head, and stand up to the wind when it shakes me, and save me from the harsh sun when its blazing. An umbrella I can cling to when I feel lonely. Something like "I have your back and you got mine"

Right now my best option is to not make a habit of getting soaked and letting the downpour get the better of me. And that - I will not have. Not yet. Not on others terms anyways.

Some Place Else

I've learnt that life has a way for making sure that even though you think you've gotten lost , you are somehow in the place that needs you the most. It sometimes makes me wonder, had I made different choices whenever I did, Would I still be the same person or in the same place.

What if I hadnt gone to the same school?
What if I hadnt studied computer science instead of the BDS thing after Class 12?
What if I had taken up the Infy job that I got as a fresher?
What if I hadnt left my first job?
What if I hadnt joined my current work place?
What if I hadnt met some people in my life?
What if I hadnt been born in this family?

After all this thinking for so long I feel, the choices we make in life are pointless and immaterial, we will still reach the inevitable and predestined.

Its like swimming in a river. No matter what stroke you decide to swim by, there is a bigger force in the picture, the water current that would take you in its own direction.

Keep rowing your boat! Thats all you can do!

Shit Happens

Every once in a while, I have days when I just dont want to talk to anyone but myself.And when I find myself in that mode - all I want to do is pull the sheets back over my head and drift away to someplace where no one knows me.

Today was one such day. Thank god it has ended. Tommorrow will be a new day a new beginning.

Fill me up, buttercup

I think I am down with a mild case of brain network congestion. The brain version, I mean. I don’t think that means anything actually. I think I know. It could mean that my thoughts are off balance and totally mixed up. Thoughts right now have lost their equilibrium.

Life is strangely coming together and falling apart at the same time in ways that I didn’t anticipate. I cannot begin to describe where my life is at right now because I have no idea where it is or where its going. Someone once said, If you dont know where you're going, any road would take you there. I guess that what I am doing. Walking on a some road to nowhere to stand still.Totally surrounded by unknown more than ever. I find that it is easy and convenient to push away certain aspects of it for a bit of time. At least while I try to figure it out.

Maybe I am just too bored or have thought a lot of things that are beyond the functional capacity of my brain. The latter seems to be the case. My head today is just too full of things that equate to nothingness. Its empty yet flooded. The fact is life has filled in properly.

Hum kis gali ja rahe, apna koi thikana nahi
Armanon ki anjuman mein, besud hai apni lagan mein

Sigh!

Building Bridges

There are journeys to places, cities, countries. Then there are journeys of a different kind that involve people. They say sometimes the greatest journey is covering the distance between two people. Thats a timeless and a limitless journey. A neverending trail to set foot on. Strangers become aquaintances. Aquantainces become friends. Friends may become foes. Strangers and friends may become partners. Partners may become estranged. Transformation and Metamorphosis -All on the journey!!

At times, it takes a lifetime to really know people, and even after an eternity you still dont understand them even when they communicate through words. Sometimes, if you are lucky enough, the opposite happens, ie you finding people who understand even the unsaid from the look in the eye. Its a tightrope walk between being yourself and projecting a certain image, letting yourself loose and holding yourself back, percieving and judging others. The beauty is that the person on the otherside is just like you, walking a tightrope too, on the same journey to knowing you. You need to bare it for others to see you and for you to see them. Complexities galore.

Despite all the fallouts from it, being quite friendly and open to people, I have felt, it can take a minutely small insignificant gesture to bridge the gap between two people. A bright smile. A routine sms. A human touch. A tight hug. A funny joke. A warm kiss. A friendly hello. A catchup phone call. A small email. Thats all it may take. Isnt undertaking this journey of knowing people great for what its worth.

And as Joey would say it - How you doin ;)