Crossing the road

I dislike change. And I hate it with a passion, but as they say, the only constant is change. So this week, I turned in my resignation, telling my boss that I no longer intend to work with them. Shock and Awe!

Thinking of new unknown and leaving the familiar behind, my stomach has been in a knot, I get clammy hands and feet from the anticipation of my leaving the comfortable set up I have been accustomed to for the last three years, but at the same time, I am happy about what you would conceive as a wise decision in this newly booming economy. Yet, afraid and anxious as I am, I'm also kinda sure that I will be okay.

Have been talking to myself, thinking over how this change could bring about other changes as well, and how I deal with them. I do not mean that I even knew how to articulate my anxiety, my state of uncertainty and inner turmoil. All I know is that part of me does not want to move but at the same time feelings of stagnancy prevail. The only thing I was certain of, is whatever road I will take, its not going to be easy. The decision to change is made - my last day with my present job is until the end of this month.

Counting my days now. Dont know what the day countdown is for - leaving the old or embracing the new!

28 on 24

Someone once said, 'Growing old is not an option, Growing up is'. I turned 28 today. Figuratively,I feel grown up from what life has taught me the hard way and literally I have grown in size as well :( I have grown old inevitably by an year. Have a few strands of grey hair here and there. I'l take it as a sign of wisdom i.e. understanding of myself.

There's this little person inside me -
Who thinks that she is lucky to have great friends.
Who cries a lot.
Who lives without care.
Who is forever in her day dreams.
Who laughs at every funny and non funny thing
Who surprises herself by following the heart totally
Who loves malls and janpath equally.
Who thinks and analyses a lot.
Who is indecisive and finicky.
Who is wanting affirmation.
Who trusts people easily.

And then there is this sometimes crazy person inside me

Who is scared of being lonely.
Who falls in love several times with a song, a color, a bag.
Who doesnt find time to put nail paint but finds time to blog.
Who is mushy and moody. Mostly cynical.Sometimes whimsical. Majorly stupid.
Who is overly sensitive and totally protective about self.
Who loves to make plan A, plan B, plan C, plan D and so on.
Who is quite intense but then again doesnt show it outwardly.
Who is dying to get out of the shell but feels trapped.
Who is let down by people so many times.

Every second - I am learning to understand this person. Im reaching there, little by little. Year after year.

You can stand under my umbrella

Let me share a secret.
I've carried it in my heart for a long time now. I'm scared to say this. Even more scared to think about it. I confessed to a few very friends of mine that I thought I needed to get away for a weekend, go to the mountains or sit by a beach, far from the maddening crowd and contemplate. Now believe me, trying to find a mountain or a beach when you live in a concrete jungle like delhi is far from easy.

Im more insecure and pessimistic than ever at this point of life. My craving for a constancy, stability and security in life is at its peak. Friends and family seem inadequate. Yes, I am seeking somethng more. I am missing 'An Umbrella'. An umbrella that will keep me dry when its raining on my head, and stand up to the wind when it shakes me, and save me from the harsh sun when its blazing. An umbrella I can cling to when I feel lonely. Something like "I have your back and you got mine"

Right now my best option is to not make a habit of getting soaked and letting the downpour get the better of me. And that - I will not have. Not yet. Not on others terms anyways.